Conversations On The Way To Crime Scenes
by CloseToReal616
Summary: In which John is subjected to a rather uncomfortable topic of conversation due to Sherlock's observation skills, and the crime scene can't arrive fast enough. kinda pre-johnlock but can be seen as platonic if you like. Also, i'll probs add chapters that aren't necessarily linked to the one before. Essentially the story could become a collection of one shots.


Hey, so brief intro i guess, this is my first fanfic that i'm publishing so sorry if it's OOC or it looks wrong or something, i'd love to know what you think to help me improve! Thanks, hope you enjoy!

It had been about half an hour since John had got the call from Lestrade to come to a crime scene, something about beheading and plushies being left as 'calling cards'. All John knew right now was that he was mad, Lestrade had interrupted him mid-shower with his phone call, John's one moment of peace from his lovely but very needy baby girl was ruined. John isn't the most tolerant person on good days but after four consecutive nights of getting four hours sleep in total, he's starting to get pissy!

John made his way to 221B where he was to collect Sherlock before heading off to the crime scene. Sherlock, unfortunately for him, had been victim to the forefront of John's wrath this particular morning as Sherlock was still in his pyjamas when john arrived at their once shared apartment. Finally, Sherlock managed to dress himself and get into the cab that had patiently been waiting for going on half an hour.

As John and Sherlock got out from the cab they'd caught to the scene, John being left to pay as per usual, (and when he saw the fair... let's just says John's mood didn't look like it was improving anytime soon) it dawned on john that this case was going to be a long one.

Rows of police cars, ambulances, reporters not to mention the hint of glee that had appeared in Sherlock's eyes upon arriving. 'Yeah, definitely going to be a long one' John confirmed to himself in his head, pitying the fact that he wasn't going to get a good nights rest for the foreseeable future.

John had to jog to catch up with Sherlock who hadn't bothered to wait for him whilst he paid the cabbie. John was just about to inform Sherlock about how this behaviour was rude and inconsiderate...and ...something else, john just really wanted to shout at someone basically, but before john could utter a word Sherlock cut him off.

"John if you ever need me to watch Rosie then that would be an acceptable request"

John stared blankly for a moment, not sure of what Sherlock meant by that. 'I think it was permission to ask him to babysit?' His brain helpfully informed, but that didn't make Sherlock's motive any clearer.

"umm why?"

"Because as you have informed me before john, we're apparently best friends and Rosie is my goddaughter so-"

"No, not why is it acceptable, why do you mention it?"

"...no reason"

"What was that face?"

"What face?"

"The face that says _'I know everything and you know nothing'_ , that face!"

"Don't be ridiculous, why would I assume to know you better than you know yourself?"

Now John was really getting annoyed! He hated these games where Sherlock made him go around in circles!

"Enough! What. Do. You. Mean" John ground out between his teeth. He wasn't as angry at Sherlock as it came across but it had the desired effect as Sherlock began to explain.

"I just was implying that you may need some time alone to engage in some _'recreational activities'_ " Sherlock's face was full of amusement which he poorly trying to conceal when he said the words _'recreational activities'_. John knew exactly what Sherlock was implying, and it was more than just recreational activities.

John was suddenly glad that the beheaded body was found in the middle of nowhere because they had not yet nearing the scene itself so no large group of people were around to overhear what Sherlock had just said, luckily for John's remaining scraps of credibility amongst Scotland Yard.

Unsure of what else to say, John replies intelligently with "what?". I mean it's not every day that Sherlock Holmes makes an observation about your wanking habits, or at least not that he vocalises...

"It's quite obvious, John" at John's brief look of panic Sherlock added "obvious to me. You're agitated, irrationally annoyed and we shared an apartment for two years. A roommate knows things, and with that information at my disposal, the pattern isn't exactly complex to observe"

"What pattern?" John, being accustomed to Sherlock's ability to notice things that any ordinary minded person would not, didn't bat an eyelid about the fact that his best friend deduced his habit 'I mean two years is a long time' john thought to himself.

Sherlock then began to explain everything to him and John, as per usual, couldn't help but be impressed. John couldn't understand how other people didn't express to Sherlock how talented he was. "Every two or three days you'd spend an extra ten minutes in bed after your alarm went off but it didn't ring again indicating that you didn't press the snooze button meaning that the only plausible conclusion was that you were having... personal time. In addition to that whenever you went more than 3 days without your extra ten minutes you'd start to display similar symptoms to what you are showing now: agitation, aggression etc. Simple really." Sherlock finished with the same smirk that had appeared on his face when he first brought up the topic of conversation. Smug git.

John's cheeks slowly burned despite his pleading with his body not to.

Sherlock, obviously, observed this and went to say some snarky remark but john interrupted, much to Sherlock's disappointment, before he could get his words out.

Desperate to divert the conversation and if john is being honest with himself, he's always wanted to know if Sherlock masturbated or had ever had sex or whether he was even into that sort of thing, not that it made a difference to john but after knowing Sherlock for a good few years, two of which were spent as roommates, one would think that a best friend should know these things.

"Okay, we can trade then, what about you?" John spoke, it seemed to take Sherlock off guard as his gaze shot up from where he was trying to see the crime scene that was in the distance, straight to john and the alarmed look in Sherlock's eyes made John's night. Maybe today was looking up after all, John mused to himself.

"What do you mean?" Sherlock asked feigning innocence, hoping the topic would just float away. John also didn't miss how Sherlock's pace accelerated, suddenly more eager to arrive at the still impossibly distant crime scene.

"You know exactly what I mean. You know about me, so it's only fair that you tell me about what you do. What's your pattern Sherlock?" John questioned patiently, a successful smile spreading across his face as he finished his sentence. John knew he'd come up on top (for lack of a better phrase).

In that moment, Sherlock swore what he had always known, people do not give John Watson enough credit. He's an evil mastermind playing the underdog.

"Well that's hardly fair! You didn't share your information, you just made it painfully obvious! I couldn't help but deduce such a blatant fact!"

"You didn't have to deduce it! You could have ignored it like any other respectful British person would have!"

" Don't be absurd! I can't just turn it off and on!"

"Was that a hint?" It was John's turn now to feel his lips tug into a smirk the way Sherlock's had earlier. He wasn't letting Sherlock get away from this now, it may seem harsh but there's very few times that John actually gets the chance to have the upper hand on Sherlock, so when it did happen- it was not to be ignored.

But then, John realised that maybe he should have quit the jest while it was at its best because _that look_ appeared on Sherlock's face. John liked to call it the _"you-think-you're-winning-but-I've-just-come-up-with-a-plan-to-crush-you"_ face. Elaborate, John is aware, but until you've witnessed the consequences of plans associated with _that look_...you can't comprehend what john has had to suffer through.

"Why don't you rephrase your question John, so I can be absolutely certain that I answer your question correctly" Sherlock spoke with such fake concern but the undertone of mockery in his voice could not go unnoticed.

John wasn't afraid of using technical words, he never really had been. God knows he's heard and spoken enough technical terms being a doctor so he's not shy, but he casts a suspicious and slightly nervous glance towards Sherlock because he doesn't know what he's planning. John hates the 'not-knowing' phase.

"Sherlock, I would like to know if you masturbate?" John said it in the blandest way he could to ensure his words could not be twisted.

A sly smile slipped across Sherlock's face at John's question and just as John was getting impatient, Sherlock said:

"Well then, I suppose you'll just have to deduce me, doctor Watson", and with that they were upon the crime scene. Sherlock was already over by Lestrade asking for all the details and occasionally making a sarcastic comment to Anderson, as if their conversation had never happened. John was left staring at Sherlock, going through the words he had spoken moments ago, when john realised that 'shit, this is going to be the case that kills me', he had gone full circle. Except, he didn't mean the case of the beheaded woman, (or whatever he decided to call it on his blog when he had space in his brain to focus on anything but Sherlock) John meant the case he had to work out all of his own, the case of whether Sherlock Holmes wanks.

\- The End -


End file.
